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User blog:BlueFrackle/Fanmade: Isaac Asimov vs. H. P. Lovecraft
It's time for a showdown between two of the most influential men in the history of science fiction. Yet their styles and themes are almost complete opposites. It's Lovecraft vs. Asimov. Elaborate prose vs. simple prose; nihilism vs. optimism; aliens vs. robots! So, let's see who will win! Oh, and also, for this battle, I tried a different format: each contestant gets five verses rather than two. Alright now, enough introduction, let's go to battle! Cast as I've imagined it: *Nice Peter as H. P. Lovecraft *EpicLLOYD as Isaac Asimov Asimov's location is the futuristic megalopolis of the planet Trantor Lovecraft's location is a huge old style library Battle FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!! ISAAC ASIMOV VS. H. P. LOVECRAFT!!! BEGIN! Isaac Asimov: I supply the Foundation to the whole SF basis I shall stand no sesquipedalian crap from a racist My writing style is clear, tidy and concise Cut down on the adjectives, that would be my advice I'm your Nemesis; you could say this is your Nightfall If I needed help, I'd rather ask George and Azazel Eat some fresh disses, this might be your last dish I'm a claustrophile, you're afraid of fish! H. P. Lovecraft: The most merciful thing in the world, I think Is that this arrogant bitch won't even see what hit him Hard science fiction master? Oh, R'lyeh? You amaze me Think you're better than me? In your Dreamlands, maybe What the fhtagn are you doing creating robotic laws? It's clear to me your ego is vaster than Yog-Sothoth! How dare the likes of you accuse me of bigotry? Your Eternals are guilty of so much misogyny! So are the Black Widowers, and they're also idiots Seeking answers that are obvious to the waiter and the readers Isaac Asimov: You never graduated, I'm a school prodigy Mensa level IQ, and the Gods Themselves agree! To the End of Eternity, I'll infinitely outsell you Your poems are more unreadable than Chambers' King in Yellow This pussy of Ulthar is trapped in a Blind Alley I give lectures on rap; don't even need to prepare them You ghostwrote for Houdini; well he liked it, mazel tov But the shadow over you belongs to I. Asimov! H. P. Lovecraft: I advance like a shoggoth crushing all up my course All your 500 books are even worse than your verse! Call Herbert West, you'll need to be re-animated Venus is a Watery Place, now? I think you're outdated You got rejected by Playboy and by Paul McCartney Get an Ythian to switch your mind: should improve your writing Isaac Asimov: Like a Mule, you're crude and will never reproduce Such a skinny, reclusive hack stuffed in a suit I make circuits overheat, hotter than Multivac You'll too get sideburns when I fire my attack Need no psycho-history to predict who will win You're soft like the pulp of an Astounding magazine In fact it's almost like you're made of Thiotimoline 'Cause you'll dissolve before you even get in touch with my hymn! H. P. Lovecraft: The man from Providence provides a cycle of cyclopean lore Kick you back to the navy and then to the candy store You're so grotesque, it's like your mother slept with some eldritch creature I'll twist your style, distort it, make it look non-Euclidean! The Color Out of Space must be nearby: your rhymes are rotten This fiend's fetid fiction ought to soon be forgotten When I show Janet my cyclopean thing you can be sure She'll forget the two-centimeter demon you conjure Isaac Asimov: I choke Ashton Smith, kick Howard back to Cimmeria Your parents were locked up in an asylum with hysteria! You're a poor Poe imitator, with an eerie reputation Who can't write romance or characterization! Every time you pull off the same so-called plot Getting into your themes is disgusting, so Let's Not This is Asimov's guide to kicking Lovecraft's ass 'Cause this Ugly Little Boy belongs to The Dead Past! H. P. Lovecraft: You don't even know the date of your own birthday, it seems I'll squash your Trap Door Spiders with your own Magazine Hear me approach at night; I'm The Whisperer in Darkness You should avoid this Festival for I induce madness Show you the Plateau of Leng, you could meet the Outer Gods Then you'll become the new inmate of Arkham's madhouse, good doc Isaac Asimov: You see monsters everywhere, are you madly paranoid? I suggest that Someday you make an appointment with Freud I'm a Star, you're Like Dust! You don't know how I detest you! How can you have fans? That's the real Last Question! H. P. Lovecraft: You wrote so many shaggy dog tales I lost track After this all will recall the Doom that Came to Isaac! That is not rap which can eternal suck I've had enough of your crap, Asimov; get fucked! WHO WON?! YOU DECIDE! FANMADE RAP BATTLES OF WHATEVER!!! Category:Blog posts